create, destroy, create again

(written 7/5)

we’re in essex, the first stop on our 7 week tour, and all of the troupers have gone to their respective home-stays.  for the first time in a month, i have the night to myself.  i have time to process this crazy life i’ve jumped into, and time to write my thoughts down.  my brain is exhausted, my body is exhausted, and sleep will be sweet tonight.

i have been wrestling with the decision of whether to go to burning man after smirkus.  i haven’t been in years, and i miss it.  it costs a lot of money though; but i consider it a fruitful investment in myself physically, emotionally, artistically, and intellectually.  i could do something new and different with the time and money; however, it’s not as if i’m going to visit a city that i’ve already seen: each experience at the burn is entirely unique.  one of the biggest lessons i learned from burning man was the temporary nature of everything in life, the importance of letting go, and the need for constant forward motion. create, destroy, create again.  that has been missing in my life the past few years, things at school got stagnant, my friends remained the same and the scenery rarely changed.  i was working towards goals and forging relationships but nothing was being torn down and rebuilt. it was an uphill climb.  a successful one, but one that left me on a plateau saying, “ok, now what?”  degree in hand, i had the whole world in front of me and very little obstacle.  that was frustrating.  i needed a tear down, a strike of sorts, so that i could start again.  so i left.  and now i’m in a city i’ve never even heard of with people from all over the world taking care of 29 circus kids and learning about a part of life that i barely knew existed.  it’s amazing, and spending a month at a barn in the middle of nowhere was brilliant.  getting to know the kids was heart warming.  learning about circus was thrilling.  the real joy though is coming now, now that we’ve hit the road and i’ve gone from camp counselor to tour counselor.  the realization set in today that i’ll not be in the same city for more than 3 days for the next 7 weeks.  i’ll be in 16 cities, driving new routes every day, seeing parts of the country i’ve never seen.  we’ll be tearing down the tent, loading up the props, moving our living quarters over and over and over and over... for months.  we’ve created this living breathing circus thing, and we are continuously destroying it in order to share it with as many people as possible. set up, perform shows, tear down. move. set up, perform shows, tear down. move. set up, tear down. move. create, destroy.   create, destroy, create again. 

well whatta ya know?

perhaps i have had my fill of port-a-potties and temporary cities.  for this year at least.